Wednesday, November 3, 2010

So I have dysthymia....

Kind of a hard thing to admit and private too. I've had it for years. What is it? Is it contagious? You may be asking yourself these questions. Basically it's chronic depression. Or functioning depression is better. You know how you are sad some days and others you are not? Well I feel sad or "down" ALL the time. Don't get me wrong. I do get happy and laugh. I love my kids and my husband. It's NOT manic or severe depression which is the most common. You just feel a little sad. Alot. And it sucks. No one knows you are sad either unless they really know you. Most people with dysthymia you can't tell at all. We look fine on the outside but on the inside you are crying.

I believe I've had it since I was a child. I just didn't know it and back then seeing a psychologist or psychiatrist was "not cool" and taboo. I do have some severe episodes where it's hard to get out of bed or do things but I do it. It's what people with dysthymia do. My husband knows when I am feeling like that and makes sure I am doing ok. Sometimes I just get tears in my eyes. I try to not let the kids see me that way as it's hard to explain since they are little. I will explain to them when they get older so they know the symptoms and signs to watch for. I was on medication way back in the day. Almost 12 years ago I was so severely depressed I tried to take my own life. I know stupid but when you are in the zone, in that hole where everything looks black it's hard to not listen to those voices that tell you no one will care or notice you are gone. I was briefly in a mental hospital on suicide watch (not a fun thing to be woken up every hour and sleep with the door open all night). I was also on meds...Prozac at first since it was the popular drug of choice at the time but I just felt...NOTHING I mean not happy or sad or anything so I stopped taking that. Then I was on some really long named drug for my dysthymia and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) and that made me sick to my stomach so I stopped that. I have done therapy but in the beginning it wasn't helpful. I wasn't in the right frame of mind for it and I didn't have the right person to help me. I will say I have not had a suicidal thought since that day almost 12 years ago. I am just hoping my kids don't inherit it.

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